Since I got such great responses to my last dating post, because everyone loves a disaster and because I did little yesterday other than work and go see Transformers (almost 3 hours long, holy cow my attention span and I had a hard time with that one), I’ve decided to share a old, yet still epic, bad date.
Why You Don’t Mess with Crazy
We met at the gym. Yes, it has since become clear to me that this is a terrible place to meet people. But I get confused by muscles.
Employment
We head out for drinks and snacks and start the small talk. I mention my job in addiction recovery. He shares that he has a job in dealing and smuggling drugs. I laugh, until I realize he’s serious.
Drugs
He extols the “mind-opening” benefits of LSD then starts a lecture about the awesomeness of hemp (does anyone rave about hemp except stoners?). After talking about hemp cars and hemp shoes and hemp children for all I know (I might have tuned out a good portion of this), he makes the following statement: “If we replaced all corn fields with hemp fields, world hunger would be solved.” I’m pretty sure there’s a little more to world hunger than lack of hemp.
Conspiracy Theories
The employment/hemp discussion is followed by an explanation that he was going to join the military, until he learned they give you unidentified injections when you join. Continue from “they” inject stuff in our soldiers to “they” put stuff in our tap water and “they” are dumping chemicals into the air from planes.
He ranted about 9/11 conspiracies for a good 45 minutes. He ranted about financial/global conspiracies for a good 45 minutes. He ranted about Civil War conspiracies for another 45 minutes (okay, maybe it just felt that long). He went back to the origins of mankind and explained how aliens had a role in early human evolution. I smiled and nodded my way through the early conversation, but this one elicited a “You mean like Scientology?” from me. His response? Golden: “Not at all, those Scientologists are crazy.”
No Touching
Did I mention that, while sitting directly across from me, he rubbed my shoulder awkwardly for a large part of this conversation? He also referred to me as “glowing” multiple times. I’m pretty sure you only use that adjective to describe pregnant women and things that are literally glowing (nuclear waste?).
Follow-Up
He called. The next day. To set up another date. For that day. We made polite conversation, and I casually mentioned I was heating up a sweet potato for my dinner. The result? A 30-minute phone rant about microwaves and how they are killing nutrients/the human race. I wheedled out of the conversation and said I was “busy.” Further calls were not answered.
TL;DR? I’ll be back tomorrow with your regularly scheduled food pics and vegan ramblings.
ForgottenBeast 
Uh, I’ll state the obvious, and say THAT GUY IS INSANE. Wins the worst date ever award, for sure. At least you got a great story out of it!
Exactly! Plus, no future bad date can ever live up to this one, thus successfully lowering my standards/definition of a bad date, haha.
Yikes!! Run. lol… dates gone bad are the worst!!
Holy shyte! That dude is a wacko. Some of us have crazy guy magnets. I had one for years and years. I’ve been handcuffed to a car, given a pager after 1 date, cheated on….blah, blah, blah. My crazy magnet got demagnetized somewhere along lifes path.
Things you can do to spot the crazies…
Ask questions like how do you feel about microwaves, the government and religion…before the date. It might be awkward, but it should filter out a few of the uber nuts.
I’m working on deactivating mine…And wow, handcuffed to a car sounds pretty epic. Post-worthy even (hint hint).
Haha, I am now going to screen all potential dates with the following: “Yes, we can go to dinner, as long as you share an in-depth view of your opinion on microwave meals first.”
Awesome! The microwave thing should weed out a few crazies.
Ah…the handcuff story. I’ve got to take my daughter to Wal-mart, but as soon as I return I will pop back over here and post it for you. It was an interesting night.
Thanks for the help with the peanut flour and pumpkin-substitute lol–how can it be that hard to find my eats? ahhhh!! And that dating story is absolutely hilarious!!!! GLOWING!!! Ah, he sounds like a winner. This resonates with me so much lately, I actually just went on a date last night, thankfully it went pretty smoothly, or as smoothly as 1st dates can go!
Yeah, first dates are always awkward, but holy cow! And he was 32…shouldn’t you figure out how NOT to put all the crazy out there first thing by your mid-20s AT LEAST?
Hahaha oh my god! I can’t believe you even made it through the entire night.. and answered his call the next day! Plus, a guy should never call the next day anyway.
I thought of leaving at first, but then it got so crazy I HAD to stay, just to see what was going to be said, haha.
Oh, girl, you know I love the crazy story, but JESUS, that one is a nutbag. 🙂 I think I would have went to the bathroom and never returned, as awful as that is…or pulled a Romy & Mcichele (telll meeee you’ve seen that movie) “I cut my foot before & my shoe is filling up with blood”..
I most certainly have seen it 🙂 And I didn’t even think of leaving at the time, as it hit such a level of bad date that I was a bit deer-in-the-headlights
HILARIOUS! I had one of those. Well, similar. He was a drug dealer, but I didn’t know that right away. He was super sketch about what he did for a living. Thankfully, we spent most of our conversation over really strong drinks and I don’t remember most of the conversation. He followed up for a real date, and Andrew [who was friends with the guy at the time, before we were dating] vouched for the guy and then proceeded to tell me that he was in fact a drug dealer. Why Andrew would set me up with a guy like that is beyond me….
You should start a book about your dating journey. It’s a great read!
Haha, I ended up on a date with a friend-of-a-friend, ALSO vouched for, who was a complete dis-functioning addict. Why do friends not mention these things?? I feel that drug use/dealing is a pretty big factor in dating/not datig. And, if that isn’t a clue, there are indeed more bad date stories coming up–hmm, I like your book idea! Then I can just pretend this is “research” and not “dating incompetence” 😀
Oh wow, just wow. Not sure I would have known how to react in that situation. I’m glad you got him to leave you alone by ignoring calls!
This really makes me not want to have to date again, ever. Unfortunately the SO doesn’t seem to believe in proposing. *twiddles thumbs*
Ohh, I hope that hurries up for you, because YES never having to date again would be amazing. Reason enough to get married right there!
The handcuff story…….
I was barely 18, so this was 22 years ago. Eek! A few of the details are foggy.
I went to a punk rock concert with two friends, who were a “couple”, they set me up on a blind date with this guy they knew. They said he was cool. I thought they were cool, so I said yes.
I can not remember the band we went to see. The venue was called Theater Gallery, it was in Deep Ellum (hip part of downtown Dallas). I was just old enough to get into the club, but not old enough to drink. My “date” seemed pretty nice, we (yell) talked to each other, he protected me in the mosh pit when we were dancing (jumping around). His name was Marc (I think). He seemed pretty cool, he was tall, had cool hair (was important to the 18 year old me), was funny and he was 22 (also important to me for some reason).
I was the only 1 who was under 21, but it was okay with me because I did not drink often (heh…since I was not legal yet). Honestly, I did drink, but not where I was afraid of getting busted for it (like at a club).
My date drank a lot. A lot. He got really handsey…<~~it's a word…sorta… I had enough, I was not interested in where his drinking and hands were leading. I said my goodbyes and headed to my car. He followed me, said "You're my girl" and handcuffed me to the side mirror of my own car. I was terrified, he had gone all angry, possessive drunk. Lucky for me, my friends had followed him out, so I was never in any true danger, but it took my (male) friend 20 min to get the key off that psycho and release me from the car. I honestly think the approaching police car had as much to do with my release as my friend did. The guy went to jail. I got a lecture about hanging out with "adults" since I was still a teenager (pishhh! I was 18…totally adult) and I went home.
The end.
Holy crap! I’m glad everything turned out ok. What a story…
Ohhh–thank you so much for sharing, that story is fabulous (in a horrific way). How did he manage to pull off normal for the early part of the evening? And why did he have handcuffs with him?? Was that part of the plan all along?! And friends are apparently terrible judges of dating character (see Michelle’s and my comments above).
And I’m with Karla–glad your friends were there (and the cop) and you made it out fine! And that you went on and found a good one that doesn’t handcuff you to cars 🙂
You’re welcome. It was quite an experience. I’m glad I’m no longer a crazy guy magnet. I’m sure glad I found a non crazy guy to marry. 😉
I’ve got no idea how he pulled off normal. Maybe the drinking unleashed his crazy. I prefer not to think about the handcuffs.
I’ve got other stories, but I can’t unleash all my crazy stories at one time. It might overwhelm.
This totally MADE my day! What a funny story! You handled it well though 😉
My brother totally thinks 9/11 is a conspiracy. CRAZY.
Oh my 😮 I couldnt help smiling sooo much while reading this post 😀 I cant believe that guy! He is totally not a keeper 😉 And you surly deserve better!! Onto the next..;)
Dating is so much fun! I have been on so many crazy dates, and I love looking back on them 🙂
Have a wonderful day 🙂
yeah that sounds like a bad one for sure! I don’t think I would have even answered the phone call the next day lol
I think you missed out. This sounds like a keeper :), you could entertain me with stories FOREVER if you married him
You have lots of luck! I havnt had an interesting date in ages
hahahaha oh my gosh what a bad date!!! That’s so crazy! (Hemp children made me burst out laughing. At my desk. Oops.)
I’m glad I’m not the only one who has disaster dates!
Hahahahahaha. This is awesome. Oh man, brings back so many memories of bad dates. I HATE the inappropriate touchers. Bleh. His conspiracy theories and drug stuff is pretty scary and ridiculous, though! Man!
Ha ha, brilliant! I love that sort of date (although I’ve never had one quite like that) because at least you get the entertainment value out of it!
I bet you got to the “Is he for real?” stage too and impressed you stuck another half-hour talking to him the next day 🙂
haha – While I’m sorry it didn’t go well, I am also extremely thankful you posted this. It was quite entertaining, and I loved ” I get confused by muscles” – what hot-blooded female doesn’t???
WOW!!!! NUTS! I don’t miss dating one bit…. Boys are weird. HA!
I have had soooo many bad dates I understand your pain. Funniest thing is that I used to work at the gym so I saw sooo many guys ask girls out, vice versa, saw things go sour etc. It was hilarious!