Sometimes you want to eat well, but dang it, you’re tired of cooking, being classy and acting refined. Solution? Low-brow food with high-brow nutrition. A.K.A. “Hot Pockets” of protein-amazingness. Lazy, easy, and reminiscent of that familiar microwaved Italian desperation. And just in time for this week’s MMAZ challenge featuring onions…sort of.
(Now is this a great and appetizing opener for a recipe or what? But seriously, who wasn’t thinking of Jim Gaffigan as soon as they saw “Hot Pockets?” I promise, your guts and glory will be more than a-okay after eating this.)
Adult Hot Pockets
- One Flat Out Italian flatbread. Okay, you can use any tortilla/wrap, but these things taste all Italian and stuff and have a whopping 9g of protein per serving. Just a personal opinion, as I continue to not get money/free stuff from companies.
- 1/2c cottage cheese
- 1/4c TVP
- 1/2c Pacific Foods low-sodium tomato soup. Okay, sometimes I get free stuff from companies–when I win Kristina‘s giveaways. Sub other tomato soup if you insist. Or be classy and use real tomatoes/sauce. But really, this is a hot pocket. Don’t get too classy.
- 1/4t onion powder. I’d say you could saute up some real onion and actually use veggies like the MMAZ challenge calls for, but that’s really too classy. Again, this is a hot pocket.
- 1/2t Italian herb mix. I suggest the $1-or-less store brand options. Or Mrs. Dash.
Microwave (yes, microwave, don’t you dare cook this on the stove, you chef you) the TVP, tomato soup, onion powder and spices for 1 minute, stir, microwave another minutes (until all liquid is absorbed). Stir in your cottage cheese, microwave for 30 more seconds (until warm-ish). Warm your flatbread in the microwave (or you can heat it in a pan–just promise me you won’t clean that pan afterwards, a quick wipe is sanitary enough!), spoon in your sauce, roll, eat (and make as big a mess as possible while doing so).
And don’t worry my vegan friends, I haven’t left my roots too far behind! The version above subbed cauliflower for the cottage cheese. Because I ran out of cottage cheese. And had limp, almost moldy cauliflower in the fridge. Solution? Hot Pocket. Microwave it with the soup and TVP, roll, eat.
Bonus Hot Pocket points if you literally lick the plate clean.
Keep it unclassy, folks.
ForgottenBeast 
ohmahgosh, love the Jim Gaffigan reference. Priceless!
Definitely rewatched his entire Hot Pocket bit while eating the first one of these I made 😀
see? stick with me, lady, you’ll get free goodies! 😉
and yep – I will admit it was Jim Gaffigan’s voice saying “HOOOOT POOOOOOCKETS” in my head as I clicked this from my reader… that NEVER gets old…
these sound fantastic – I am always up for some good low brow.
I’m officially entering in every single one of your giveaways from here on out (as if I didn’t already do that)–This one continues to be so amazing! I won’t have to buy almond milk for months! Or a week at least. I go through a lot of almond milk.
Confession: I have never tried a hot pocket but by the sounds of this recipe, I know I’d love em! Let’s be honest, melted cottage cheese with tomato sauce is bound to be a win! Is it weird that to me, this kinda sounds like a more gourmet version of a grilled cheese with tomato soup? 😉
Yeah, Hot Pockets are frozen dough wrapped around pizza-topping-stuffing (with various flavors). They’re are pretty universally known for being awful and awesome at the same time. And haha, there is very little gourmet involved in this version either, but it’s totally like grilled cheese and tomato soup in a wrap!
Jim Gaffigan is the best!!!! Love the last quote, that is seriously funny. I’ve never eaten a hot pocket but I bet yours are delicious, I’d definitely eat those.
Totally pinned that recipe for later. Looks delish!
Fun fact: I once walked a dog at the humane society whose name was Hot Pocket. HOT POCKET. love.
Aaaand now I want to get a new pet just so I can name it Hot Pocket. Amazing. Even better if it’s a marsupial.
YES! Are there any types of marsupials that you can actually own as a pet?
Answer: Not really. http://www.marsupialsociety.org/pets.html (read the last paragraph! :D)
Haha, love it. I do hear some people have luck with sugar gliders as pets–but I think they still take a lot of work.
I’ll stick with my stick insect!
That would be one awesome pet. I had a praying mantis for awhile, but those suckers are harder to keep that a regular pet, you have to somehow find/catch/provide bugs…a surprisingly difficult task.
Can I just say that I really love the direction that this conversation has taken?
Did you get the praying mantis from a pet store? I had never heard of keeping one as a pet before.
It was way back in grade school, a bio teacher bought a praying mantis egg sack (yup, that’s a thing) and we all made terrariums out of coke bottles and got one of the mantis babies once they hatched. It was pretty darn awesome, got to watch my mantis grow up over the summer, then let him go outside. And yes, I love random blog convos, haha.
dude that sounds amazing, I can’t wait to be at my parents house even just for three days to have a stocked fridge and maybe time to cook.
I never liked Hot Pockets, but I have a feeling I’d love this! bet it would also be good with parsnip rice. Mmmmm…
I dunno, you might be getting a little too classy as soon as fancy veggies are involved ;D
❤
I'm going to say that's an appropriate comment, because I learned in Journalism school that if you can say it with fewer words, do it!
I so remember hot pockets – how awesome is that?!
Hahaha I love it.
And I didn’t get the P28 wraps either…if that is what you are referring to. 😉
BUT YOU HIT THE JACKPOT WITH THAT PACIFIC FOODS GIVEAWAY!! [Sorry, I forgot to comment when I saw the photo on IG…so I needed to be SUPER excited about it now. And a ‘company’ by the name of Nutty Butter, LLC. sent you some of it’s product…]
Oh man, Nutty Butter sure did–If only I hadn’t inhaled the whole jar via spoon. I can’t really post that as a recipe. Or I can–but if readers haven’t figured out the joys of spoon + jar of deliciously flavored nut butter yet, well, I just don’t know.
AHHH Jim Gaffigan is my favorite!!!! hahaha I always bust a gut whenever I hear the hot pocket montage he does 😉
Unlike nasty real hot pockets, these sound AWESOME!!! Definitely bookmarking for later!
Haha, how am I not surprised we have the same taste in comedians? Let me know if you give this a try!
Haha I had never heard of Jim Gaffigan .. until NOW. Thank you :D.
Also, your hot pocket sounds fantastic!
Oh man, glad I could introduce you. Funny stuff.
Awesome recipe- so quick too 😛 It’s actually surprising how much protein bread and all that jazz has. The bagels I eat have about 10g of protein each, crazy!
Right? I’m always surprised too, especially when it’s something simple like just a slice of whole grain bread or a wrap.
holy god, YUM. i was going to make pizza this weekend, but i think a hot pocket is totally the way to go!
Way better than a pizza! Or, well, kinda the same as a pizza but wrapped up ;D Let me know if you give this a try!
Ooh adult hot pockets? I likey!
I bow down to your hot pocket making prowess. I dare you to make another one and use a spork (foon?) to eat it. Because you can.
I have one wrap left. I have one dinner to eat before I head home for the holidays. Challenge=Accepted. Keep an eye out on IG ;D
Hil.arious.
Looks delicious! This is a long overdue question because I see you using it all the time …but what is TVP? That’s probably a dumb question…and I’m okay with that.
Nah, not a dumb question– Textured vegetable protein. It’s basically dehydrated soy protein granules? That doesn’t sound too appetizing. But it’s pretty awesome stuff that can be used all sorts of ways and has lots of protein. Bob’s Red Mill is probably my favorite source for it–it’s pretty cheap, you should buy a bag and play with it!
You had me at diarrhea. Just keeping it classy.
If I promise to microwave the filling, can I please clean the pan afterwards?
*sigh* As long as there’s still plenty of mess involved in the eating process too, I suppose so…
Oh I’m a messy eater. Sometimes food winds up in my hair or stuck to my face. If I’m lucky it falls into the sink while I’m washing the dishes.
Well isn’t this idea just pure genius. I tell ya girl, you are just AWESOME! 🙂
Aw, thanks Jessie 🙂
That looks really tasty, Allie! You are a champ at using up things that are about to be science experiments!!
Haha, you know me and my love of cheap/hate of waste. Limp veggies are just perfect for microwaving/making limper anyway!
hehehehe those jokes!! So funny. This is awesome. I hate to admit it but i freaking LOVE hot pockets and now you’ve made it OK for me to eat them again (this version of course)!
Yum! I’ve made a sweet-style “adult hot pocket” before with cottage cheese + cinnamon + frozen berries, I’ll have to try this savory-style!
Holy Toledo! Not only was did this post leave me on the verge of wetting my pants (several times), it left me with a verrrry happy belly. I made this tonight when I needed a quick, warm, and AWESOME dinner. This is definitely a new favorite! Youda bomb!
Haha! Omg, I seriously love you! You’re step by step commentary had me laughing out loud…don’t go getting TOO classy now! I’m dying! To top it all off, this recipe is GENIUS! And of course I have like 5 packages of the Italian flat-out wraps in my freezer…just need to replenish da stash of cottage cheese…you know, since your mom didn’t make ME any! 😉
Seriously? I mean YOUR!!! Geez, I need to go to bed!